so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
