Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
