Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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