So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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