We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
