walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i think my cat just said my name.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
