Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
