Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
