you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
