insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
