The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
