Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
