do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Please, let me fuck your mom
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
