It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How does one acquire holy water?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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