He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
