I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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