New low: just hacked my moms facebook
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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