He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
