no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
