I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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