I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
