I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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