It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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