I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
