I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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