Barsexuality is the new black.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
