just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize