I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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