when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
