youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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