I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
