my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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