Michael Bay diarrhea
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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