in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
