I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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