His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize