i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
