A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
