I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
