i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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