My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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