I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
