my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
