All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize