i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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