I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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