I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
