i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
