you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
