her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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