Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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