I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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