just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
