how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
