I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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