I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
