I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
