Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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