he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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