New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
