If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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