I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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