1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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