I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
