Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
