By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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