I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
